JOKES IN ENGLISH

Else

-Where was the Independence Declaration signed? - At the bottom.......


``My God! What happened to you?`` the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in......


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders. The ......


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the fir......


A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in h......


A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to......


Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck s......


How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they`re small enough.......


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it ......


A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the t......


A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appoi......


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, `I`m sorry, but ......


One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was Presid......


Q: What`s the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you`re gay.......


There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight ......


Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn`t know if......


A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two w......


A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of th......


A thief stuck a pistol in a man`s ribs and said, `Give me your money.`

The gentleman, shocke......


A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and s......


What does a bulimic call two fingers?

Dessert.......


The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Through......


A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a compli......


Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.......


A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change `The L......


An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on hi......


Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?

A: One -- because men will......


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road an......


An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman`s head.

`Yech......


Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

`Go......


What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip!......


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.......


A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He......


A boy told his mom, `I couldn`t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up a......


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the airc......


A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, ......


A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertisi......


A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did ......


Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and......


A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on ......


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.......


A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, `You gotta sprinkle a little gunpo......


An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a ......


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn`t have a lot of money. Between them, they could onl......


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, `I screwed your m......


What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your ey......


How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Californians don`t screw in light bu......


What`s the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?

By opening the door and putting it in.......


What do you call a poodle with no legs?

A sponge.......


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders.
......


Q: What`s blue and fluffy?

A: Blue fluff.......


Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, `We don`t want to be nuns a......


A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it`s being stored at the Priest`s house. One day the Rab......


`My God! What happened to you?` the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a......


A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to......


Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.......


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train......


A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him someth......


Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a harden......


The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he`s met by a reception committee of angels. Afte......


A cop pulls over a guy.
`Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?`
`Gee, officer,` t......


A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.

`What`s the deal?` the bartender asks.
<......


What`s the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.......


A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind ......


Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking d......


Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with ......


What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large!......


Two old ladies were waitingfor a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It st......


A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclam......


A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into t......


What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?

Hair that stands straight up on your head!......


What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!......


December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Wh......


One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, `Please send me a sister.`
Santa Clause wrote him ba......


What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

Her feet!......


Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.......


A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn`t usually help many people s......


A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties w......


Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress` name tag?

A: `Debbie`...that......


A man walks into a pub and says, `Give me three pints of Guinness, please.`

So the bartender brin......


One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, `My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! He......


On the seventh day, God said, `Let there be football.`

And it was good.

Later that day, God sa......


Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, `You know, I`......


A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, `Ossssifer, you need to get your records str......


How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- they don`t want to be enlightened!......


What`s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.......


A couple, who had been married for years, were making love.

He asked, `Dear, am I hurting you?` <......


Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have......


A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him i......


What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.......


Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because ......


If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?......


A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a ......


A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said,......


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the ......


Q: What`s the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.......


Q: What`s the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?

A: One looks up the family tre......


There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for ......


One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys sai......


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.......


Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That`s `womyn` with a Y, a......


Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, l......


In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attor......


A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in ......


A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gesture......


It`s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby`s a pretty hip guy with......


A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bart......


Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowj......


A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the......


Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for ......


What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.......


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the nois......


Knock knock

Who`s there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any better jokes on this site?......


A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss ......


Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side... er, no... to go shoppi......


What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.......


How do you know if the head chef is a clown?

When the food tastes funny.......


What did the redneck do with his his first fifty-cent piece?

He married her.......


How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes five sessions.......


Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, `What is wrong with you?` Adam......


Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunk are walking down the street toge......


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady follo......


Two guys are sharing a hospital room.

`What are you in for?`

`I`m getting a circumcision.`

`Da......


A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was ......


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they ......


A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin ......


Eagles may soar but weasels don`t get sucked into jet engines.......


A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, ......


Why did God create economists?

To make weathermen look good!......


A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

`Son! If you masturb......


A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, `Sorry, I can`t serve you, you`......


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the ......


What did the bra say to the hat?

`You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift.`......


A grandpa walks into a grandson`s apartment and sees a condom on the table. `What`s this!?` demands ......


Two sperm are swimming in a women`s body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, `Whew, j......


A little kid asks his father, `Daddy, is God a man or a woman?`

`Both son. God is both.`

After......


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter......


A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, `Why did you hav......


An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to......


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and ......


A little girl is sitting on her grandpa`s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up......


One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flas......


Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clamb......


Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The tea......


One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what ......


What does D.A.M stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia.......


A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting ......


A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appoi......


A teacher asks her class, `If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how......


This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down o......


Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!......


Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer`s day?

A: I`m bacon!......


How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Banana.......


A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hi......


One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived ......


What`s the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.......


There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined he......


Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

`Oh, no,` said t......


A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the c......


At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and th......


A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and ......


A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he......


What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!......


Why was the rubber flying through the air?

It got pissed off.......


Q: What`s red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?

A: Smurfette deep-throati......


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

`What ma......


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up ......


Yo mama so fat when she stepped in front of the TV, I missed two episodes.......


A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. S......


A 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland. Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.......


A Polish man was walking down the street carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his buddies......


Question. Why don`t Polish women use vibrators? Answer. It chips their teeth.......


Question: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? Answer: Turn off the carousel.......


Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all......


A Polish man went to a carpenter and asked, `Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inc......


What`s worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ.......


An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father bega......


Why was the rooster so unhappy?

Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.......


This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.
<......


Q: What`s a 68?

A: You do me and I owe you!......


Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselve......


There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change i......


A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, `You......


How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one ......


How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

That light bulb`s never getting chang......


The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poore......


A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and s......


Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were ......


Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What? You don`t know?......


A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of th......


A thief stuck a pistol in a man`s ribs and said, `Give me your money.`

The gentleman, shocked by ......


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages t......


An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everyth......


A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers not......


A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they ......


Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I cannot recall th......


Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!......


What`s black and white, black and brown, and black and black?

A nun roasting on a spit.......


Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn`t know if he ......


A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. &#......


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, `Mommy, can little girls have babies?`

`No,` ......


There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of h......


A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. `Dad, can you t......


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, `Sir, what`s that on your shoulde......


Q: What`s the hardest thing about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you`re gay.......


Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and wh......


Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can drop them off anywhere.......


One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was Presid......


Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.......


Most people don`t know that back in 1912, Hellmann`s mayonnaise wasmanufactured in England. In fact,......


A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, `Please let me go. I`ll grant y......


How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it!......


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, `I`m sorry, but ......


A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the b......


Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We`re closed.......


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter......


There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm hous......


Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lo......


A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of hi......


The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine tro......


What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

Mr. President.......


Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, `What is wrong......


A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks......


A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: `Dad, why do they do ......


`I hope I`m not poisonous,` said the first snake.

`Why?` asked the second.

`Because I just bit m......


Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qual......


What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.......


Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier giv......


Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not be......


An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. ......


A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.

When she was discharged from the hospital and......


What`s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.......


Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate......


One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, `I can gu......


A judge asks a defendant to please stand. `You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a......


Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.

The first surgeo......


Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There`s one thing I want you to k......


How is a soyburger like a dildo?

They`re both substitutes for meat.......


A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the g......


One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he ......


One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the sam......


A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet......


A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were a......


In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeti......


One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local ......


Yo Mama is like a bus, she`s big she doesn`t smell very good and it`s only a dollar to ride.......


How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp?

One, and that person shall be President And......


One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn`t there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped out......


Johnny comes back from school crying and says, `Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big he......


A man went over to his girl`s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her ......


One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from acrossPennsylvania Avenue, where h......


One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and televis......


A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many fals......


What`s that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

Grandpa.......


What was Helen Keller`s favorite color?

Corduroy......


Yo Mama`s so farsighted, she can`t see the trees for the forest.......


Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

`You k......


What is the difference between a boy and a girl?

A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted ......


Yo Mama`s so Web 2.0, she makes you call her Mothr!......


A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, `What`ll you have?`The skeleton says, `A beer and a......


Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell ......


What do you call a person who likes to hang around with musicians?

A drummer.......


What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?

An omlette you probably shouldn`t eat.......


A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, `Next Sunday I am going to preach on the sub......


A graduate with a science degree asks, `Why does it work?`

A graduate with an engineering degree a......


One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Was......


What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it drops out of a tree, it`ll kill you?

A pool tab......


How many old timey gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

We ain`t sayin` nuthin`, s......


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It had Akinetic Mutism.......


A graduate with a science degree asks, `Why does it work?`A graduate with an engineering degree asks......


Yo mama`s so polite, she once held the door for a week!......


A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, `Next Sunday I am going to preach on the sub......


Yo mama`s so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!......


What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?An omlette you probably shouldn`t eat.......


A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order.`I`d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream......


Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.How can you tell which on......


What do you call a person who likes to hang around with musicians?A drummer.......


The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he`s met by a reception committee of angels. Afte......


Yo mama`s so sorry she missed your birthday last week, she bought you a cake so big you gotta eat it......


A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.`What`s the deal?` the bartender asks.The duck says......


What`s the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog? A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.......


A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind ......


Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking d......


Yo mama`s so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!......


How does a redneck take a bubblebath? With water, bubblebath liquid and a Jeff Foxworthy CD.......


Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened crimi......


How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?One hundred.One to replace the bulb and......


A guy runs into a bar and says, `Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!`So the bart......


A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for ......


Chinese and Jew sit side by side while flying a plane. Suddendly Jew says: - I hate Chinese! ......


A very angry men sitting in the restaurant above the bowl of soup calls a waiter: - Waiter! What is......


Why chicken run thorough the road? -Because he wants to be on the second sight.......


-What kind of flower do you never give your girlfrend? -CauliFLOWER.......


A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fier......


Yo mama`s so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin` a booty call.......


What is Helen Keller`s favorite color? Corduroy......


Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.......


December 14, 1972My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a re......


What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!......


What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra? Hair that stands straight up on your head!......


A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties wi......


Yo` mama so fat, she goes to the beach and she`s the only one who gets a tan!......


George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were wa......


What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?In the end, someone is going to lose a traile......


Reaching the end of a jobinterview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out ......


How do amoebas keep in touch?With cell phones.......


After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was ......


A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change `The L......


An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on hi......


Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting a......


What`s green and smells like pork?Kermit`s finger......


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road an......


Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where their mother was cooking.`What do you want for bre......


Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket? A: One -- because men will screw a......


Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A: A lobotomy.......


A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, `Hey, lady! You`re really ugly!` The lady w......


How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.......


There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particul......


Why are New Yorkers always depressed?The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.......


You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.......


Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks ......


A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Fe......


What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.......


Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, `Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that`s g......


As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to r......


An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his ch......


What does a bulimic call two fingers? Dessert.......


`Why don`t Mr. and Mrs. Smokey the Bear have any children?`I give up, why?`Because every time Mrs. B......


After the Americans went to the Moon, Leonid Brezhnev announced that the Soviets would be sending a ......


An American, a Japanese man, and a man from a Botswana are in a sauna. There is a ringing sound the ......


`A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn`......


An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his ch......


Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with co......


Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!......


A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, ......


1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost ......


A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that he decided to end it......


As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to r......


Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, `Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that``s ......


Why did God give women arms? Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?......


A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the dri......


There`s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ``Quit y......


The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Through......


A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a compli......


Yo mama`s so dirty, the U.S. Army wants to use her bath water as a biological weapon.......


A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whisp......


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He......


Q. What`s O. J. Simpson`s Internet address? A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.......


A boy told his mom, `I couldn`t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up a......


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the airc......


Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.......


Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; th......


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.......


Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of h......


An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it b......


You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.......


Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, `You man the guns, I`ll drive.`......


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he`s enjoying it, the monkey......


A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He......


One day, Little Johnny`s class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ``advance......


Understanding MarketingYou see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, `I`m fanta......


One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nea......


What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip!......


`I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully.``I support Latino owned buisnesses, women ow......


A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for ......


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, `If I`m goi......


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a......


An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple`s house and after their meal, the wives left ......


Chinese and Jew sit side by side while flying a plane. Suddendly Jew says: - I hate Chinese! - Why? ......


Robert, why is Frank sad? What did you do to him? Nothing, Mother, I only showed him how he should e......


Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing h......


Q. What`s the difference between light and hard? A. Bloke can go sleep with light on.......


A Zulu man, a Sotho man and a Venda man were all talking about their teenage daughters. The Venda sa......


There are 10 kinds of men: those who understand binary and those who do not :)......


A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-l......


A little boy says: Daddy, how was I born? DAD says: Ah, my son. I guess one day you will need to fin......


A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at t......


A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to r......


A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for ......


One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked u......


Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his ......


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE - Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.......


Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing h......


Instead of getting married. Just find a girl you don`t like and buy her a house.......


The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one o......


An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls ar......


The Captain called the Sergeant in. - Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones` mother died y......


Q: Who designed Noah`s ark? A: An ark-itect !......


Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ? A: Speaking Latin !......


Q: Who succeeded the first President of the USA ? A: The second one !......


Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked t......


asdasd......


Two strings walk into a bar. As they step up the bartender asks, `What can I get you?`The first stri......


Guy walks into a petshop and sees three parrots, priced $500.-, $1,500.-, $2,500.- and $30,000.-, so......


A termite walks into a bar and says `Is the Bar Tender here?`......


Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it`s called `I can`t believe it`s not Jesus`......


Q: Knock knock.A: Who`s there?Q: Control freak. Okay, now, you say, `Control freak who?`......


A baby seal walks into a club..........


Q: Where does a General keep his armies?A: In his sleevies.......


Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?A: Nobody knows, it`s never been tried.......


Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.......


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives it to him and he slams in down in......


Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping - don`t ask me why, probably on the track of some Barkerv......


Holmes and Watson have come out of a country pub at the end of a long night of quaffing warm ale. As......


Watson arrives back at 221b Baker St., to find Sherlock Holmes bent over his desk, with his trousers......


Watson: From what school did you graduate, Holmes? Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.........


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.......


A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole.The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter......


What has 7 arms and sucks?Def Leppard......


A convent was going to receive a visit by the Pope, so the mother superior wanted to get the place s......


A man walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre so the barman gives him one.......


Bloke walks up and asks `Do you prefer long legs or short?`, so I reply `I prefer something in betwe......


My girlfriend said `I`ve got an itch between my toes`. So I asked `Which toes?`. She answers `My big......


General Sherman is marching through the South, and passes Stone Mountain in Georgia. On top is a lon......


Southern cop to Yankee speeder, whom he has just pulled over: `Little lady, nobody goes through Geor......


What`s the difference between a Mercedes and a bunch of dead babies?I don`t have a Mercedes in my ga......


So these two Cesium atoms are walking down the street. Says the first Cesium atom, `oh my god! I thi......


If I were to ask you to dance naked for me, would your answer be the same as to this question?......


`Mommy, mommy, I don`t wanna see grandma!``Shut up and keep digging!`......


Q. What do accountants use for birth-control? A. Their personalities.......


Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says: `Are you worried ab......


Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump. Bear says, `Rabbi......


A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over he walks ......


Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.......


A duck walks into a bar. He hops up on a stool and asks a bartender `got any grapes?`. The bartender......


Two friends are hiking in the mountains when they stumble across a grizzly bear. The bear rears up o......


What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs?2 pirates.......


What is the difference between Jesus and a Mexican?Jesus wouldn`t get a tattoo of a mexican.......


What`s the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?You only need one nail to hold up a picture.......


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They g......


Q: What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orang-utan? A: a f*ing ugly orang-utan......


On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote c......


Why does iranian president ahmadinejad part his hair down in the middle?To segregate the male from t......


Q. What is black and white and screams? A. A nun falling down a flight of stairs.......


What`s black and white and silver and can`t turn around in an elevator?A nun with a harpoon through ......


Q. What is black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red, blac......


Part 1:One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk t......


Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?A. `Smells like carrots.`......


Q: What`s the hardest part about eating vegetables?A: Spitting out the wheelchairs.......


An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole are in town for the Olympics, but they don`t have tickets. The......


God asks asks Adam how he`s doing, - `Well, it`s ok but I am abit lonely`. - `Ok` God answers. - `Le......


What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work? She drops him off at band practice......


`Why don`t Mr. and Mrs. Smokey the Bear have any children?``I give up, why?``Because every time Mrs.......


After the Americans went to the Moon, Leonid Brezhnev announced that the Soviets would be sending a ......


tried to drown my sorrows, but after three days, mother-in-law floated back to the shore.......


Q. How do you keep the neighbor`s kids from playing in your yard? A. F*ck one of them.......


Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sips it for a while, and when he is finished, the ......


So I was lying in bed one night, looking up at the stars when I wondered, `where the fuck did my roo......


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says `Hey pirate, do you know you`ve got a steering whee......


Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?A: Because they`re ugly and they smell bad.......


A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he......


A Bostoner is visiting Austin, admiring a large bronze statue. One of the locals approaches and says......


A man walks into a therapist`s with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, `I can clearly s......


Q: What kind of wood doesn`t float?A: Natalie Wood......


Q: Why didn`t Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?A: She wanted to wash up on shore.......


Math and alcohol don`t mix. Don`t drink and derive.......


Throwing glass is wrong in some peoples eyes.......


Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...`Can you put me up for the ni......


Q: Why the fireman was burried on the top of the hill? A: Because he was dead.......


Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok......


If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?......


If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?......


Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can`t they just get taller women?......


If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?......


A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He`d pick up a piece of paper and say, `No......


An American, a Japanese man, and a man from a Botswana are in a sauna. There is a ringing sound the ......


One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn`t ve......


A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, `give me a drink.` The bartender says, `sorry, w......


A big scary looking man comes to a trader in a slave market. `Can you sell me ten slaves for some, u......


What do real men do to please their women?Real men don`t care.......


Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift?A: 32. One to hold the bits and 3......


This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole.He asks - Are you a pole vaulter?G......


A duck walks into a 7-11 and says `Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!` But the cash register......


What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?A chocolate BAA......


`A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn`......


The 1 latest jokes from the joke database at JokesAreAwesome.com......


what's the diferent between E.T. and polish man? E.T. speaks english, has a bicycle and wants to com......


A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for ......


One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked u......


Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his ......